thoughts, mind, breaths

2011-02-08T23:35:00.001-06:00

my mind should be focused on more important things
my priorities are completely out of line
your name, your kiss, every night we spent together is just replaying in my head
you are everything i want
you're all i want
and they tell me that i'll find another, someone just like you
but i'm not sure if it's what we had that i want
i think i just want you

2011-02-01T19:36:00.002-06:00

My muscles tense, pulling tighter and tighter with every breath. All I can do is think of you and the nights we used to share. Eyes glazing over with every tear, fists cleanching in pain and in fear. Remembering that summer where we opened all of the windows in the house and hung out. Living on the edge, tasting freedom in the wind; we were happier than we had ever been. The long car rides leading to no where and when we finally ran out of gas, the adventures began.
I can still feel your cold hands on my cheek now, reading my jaw line like the novel you couldn't put down. You staring at me, and me staring at you. Falling into your eyes, reaching out for a life preserver that never came. Running your fingers through my hair, pulling me closer to you.
My world, I gravitated towards you. Revolving, and revolving we stayed in constant motion. An unending orbit that I never planned to escape. Everything we did, we did for each other and nothing could have changed that fact.

2011-01-30T22:33:00.002-06:00

My breaths are getting shorter and the weight on my chest is getting heavier; I just can't think straight anymore. My knees are growing weaker until I finally drop to the ground; my face on the pavement, inhaling the dirt. You're the poison in my veins making my blood run thick and cold. Toxins pumping through my heart and pouring into my lungs, never letting up. And for what, revenge? For a taste of something sweet such as my pain? I'll give you what you want and when you taste it on your tongue I hope the bitter sweet memories come flooding back to your mind again. Everything that was and everything that could have been tearing you to pieces as soon as I let you in. My mouth goes dry now, and my muscles are sorely contracting. What have I done? What have you done to me? I'm nothing like I was before; it just can't end like this.

2010-07-19T23:44:00.002-05:00

I miss when everything was right and you wanted me.
I used to say, "okay, goodnight," and you'd say, "baby, don't leave me tonight."
Where are those days now ? I seems like they never even existed.
I am at a loss for words now. I can't even think about you the same way anymore.
When you wouldn't tell me who it was, my heart sank.
Then you said, "because it's another girl."
My heart fell right through my chest, into my stomach, and onto the floor.
I just dont know what to do anymore.
And I have no one to tell this to, but my computer screen.
I do not even know why. No one will tell me what i did, they all just disappeared.
I feel as if I have just been put through a whirlwind.
Nothing is going right and I don't understand why...
This is a crap writting too because I'm so distraught.
Usually it's good when I am inspired, but I'm just lost.

Completely lost with no where to go.
No one to talk to, no one that knows.
Not a single person to even listen to what I have to say,
I can't even tell anyone what I feel or why I feel this way.
I'll never get you back, you're gone and far away.
My friends, what friends ? They all exclude me anyway.
This summer was supposed to be the best,
Senior year is supposed to kick ass.
But now I'm so confused and my world is handing me a big "YOU LOSE."
Who am I supposed to befriend ? I'm not taking next year to start all over again.
But I can't solve any of my problems because I don't know where to begin to resolve them.
We talked it out, so I thought, but you still don't care about me.
Where is your heart ?
I told you how I felt about how you leave me out.
You said you wouldnt anymore, but, again, tonight that was bullshit in and out.
I can not wait for college, there will be so many more people out there.
I'm miserable, and the only one that will listen is my computer screen.

Jim, Miller, and Dylan on a Saturday night

2010-01-24T19:49:00.004-06:00

The night is one not so viable
Still can't decide if what you say is reliable
what starts a fight
turns into a heart-warming, teary night

Something so fortuitous and surreal
Jim Beam straight out the bottle helps me deal
Quick embraces from two consorts
The bottle awaits and serves as a retort

A miracle in disguise
Wishing for once last look into those eyes
"I love you" has never meant so much
But just loving eachother has never been enough

up

2009-06-02T01:06:00.002-05:00

beautiful eyes
full of misconstrued little lies
of what ?
i'll never know

a smile so wide
helping me hide behind
my fears
which continue to grow

i cry
and scream
my knees are weak
i think i have to
go

crpnld

2009-05-04T23:25:00.002-05:00

i always look at you, but i never see you.
i always hear you, but i never listen to you.
i always touch you, but i never feel you.
i can sense you, but you never actually sink in.
you're the breathe i need, but never the air i breathe in.
i push you away, but i only want to let you in.
i still love you, forever and always.
until the end.

xesyadhtrib

2009-05-03T17:44:00.002-05:00

i screwed up for sure this time, i'm a liar and nothing is fine.
i was looking for something higher, i was looking for you to help inspire
thoughts i couldn't put into words and things i couldn't explain.
it's simple and it's plain, i'm a fool and i don't know how to deal with the pain
i have caused you all and the reasons i helped you fall are unreal.
i screwed up for sure this time and i can't help but to feel.

emancipate

2009-04-28T00:40:00.002-05:00

what's going on ?
i dont understand this
where did we go wrong ?
everything's a hit and miss

can someone please rescue me ?
i dont know anything
i can't think at all right now
you know we'll figure this out somehow
help us, help us
we're sinking into oblivion now

you can talk to me all you want
tell me your lies because it's what you thought
no, i dont want to hear a sound
i cant do this to myself anymore
you can't stay around

ew

2009-04-23T23:11:00.002-05:00

bones twist and contort with pride. a shallow heart, but bottomless insides. the bumps under my skin are not the usuals. the lump in my throat burns and makes few holes. the claws in my skin bring a sense of glee. you were never the one for me. a change of pace and her throat wrapped with lace. a new and fresh start for you broken, sunken heart. you couldn't even fathom what this is all worth, the pain you kept has haunted you since birth. the long and unpaved road we live on is a shameful excuse for the things we have done. a trip here and a jump there, the stinging pain in my head is something i can't bear. it moves and creeps it's way down to my heart, it takes on the role of harmful reminder as it's part. skin swallowed from chewed on hands, screaming, crying, joyful fans. facing the crowd is something we must do, enduring the pain is more to me than it could be to you. no one knows just what we are hiding from them, they all know that we cannot be better until then. so on we go and we make our way, to grin and bear it until we reach center stage.

what ?

2009-04-23T23:04:00.002-05:00

swallow your pride while you tremble inside, this night's a cold one and so are the feelings you're trying to hide. a simple price to pay; a small and bittersweet decay. you were never the one you thought you were. a heart to be stolen, a promise waiting to be broken. you were the last one left in the nightmare. you were the first one that was not there.
oh how the chemicals burn, how the heart's desire churns. i'd still die in a second for you, lesson still not learned. a predicament such as this, a chance; it was a chance i did miss. an imbalance in the pavement, a crooked stone in the garden. you were never the last, you weren't even the first.
in a landfill, by the lake. my heart did tremble, my body did ache. a tear for happiness, a laugh for sorrow. this is nothing, you are nothing, we were nothing but a lie.

you don't even know me anymore.

hey there,

2009-04-17T03:22:00.003-05:00

heart of stone,
the only feeling left is bitterness.
memories once known,
now disappear into an abyss.
a sharp pain running down your neck,
tells you, "baby it's time to forget."
regret, regret, is all that's left inside,
you try to run, but it wont let you hide.
the scars, they never heal;
and the pain makes it too hard to deal.
you can't get away from this demon,
it shallows you whole without feeling.
heart of stone, a heart of stone
is all that's left of you.

emalrb

2009-04-06T00:11:00.003-05:00

feet running,
hearts beating to keep their same pace.
eyes batting just to hold on to the rhythm,
your teeth gnash to be safe.
palms sweat with enthusiasm and eagerness,
cheeks blush in the heat of the moment.
mascara runs and the tears race,
now your heart is in a chase.
fighting to beat your own self,
tripping over invisible lines just to get help.
strings chime,
the once tugs are now pulls.
a sudden, faint flicker breaks all the rules.

the grey man, i can't finish this

2009-03-20T19:56:00.002-05:00

I don't know what's worse.
the feeling that you give me when i see you or the feeling i get knowing that i'm not allowed to anymore.
where are you when i need you, babe ?
i cried when you left me and now i cant see straight.
who else will be here to hold hand in the dark ?
where are the days when there was that spark ?
i miss you so much, and you dont even know, you'll never know.
not anymore, it's all said and done.
i need closure though, one last moment to talk to you and to find out what happened to you.

"you've got to run right back to her arms."

you can find your way

2009-03-19T00:06:00.002-05:00

i can't sleep
i can't breathe
i miss your smell
your smile
you next to me
i can't think
i can't see
why did you go ?
how could you leave ?
i can't hear
i can't feel
my veins run cold now
my body is weak
my limbs won't move
my brain won't function
everything's fading to black
everything's one blurred emotion
everything's going
everything's gone...

iella

2009-03-04T16:46:00.003-06:00

you've made me happier than i've ever been,
but yesterday it almost came to an end.
something happened and you were set off,
i cried and cried, but brushed it off.
i love you so much, and only time will tell,
if we can make this last and do it well.
you were the first one to put ideas in my head,
something's bitten me and it's affecting me, yeah..
you're going fast, but i dont want to slow it down,
i've only smiled lately and never frowned.
it'll be years soon, i know it will;
you're making me fall
harder
harder
until...

i'm there.

Lane, bullhorns

2009-03-01T19:47:00.002-06:00

tie a knot
pull it tight
hold my hand
this feels right

please dont ever
let me fall
i love you so much
you are my all

take me with you
wherever you go
i'll always be with you
in your heart and soul

i hope that you remember
all the times we had
i'll never forget
the life we led

O.o

2009-03-01T19:44:00.002-06:00

oh, praise the stranger that pulled me out from underneath that bus. praise the dear lord, i put my life in your trust. god, thank that man who gave his life for the one i currently lead. jesus, watch over me and take my soul to keep. you'll never let me fall with your grace and your might. thank you to that man who gave me new life. thank you for saving every bit of my soul. if i had a choice, i'd never get old. i'd live forever so that each day, i could thank you from down here for saving me that day.

i think i know

2009-02-19T00:14:00.003-06:00

your voice is rining in my ear;
with the sweet whisper,
"i love you, dear."
my knees are weak,
i don't know why i can't hardly speak.
my hands won't even finish this letter,
things are finally getting better.
you complete me with all that you do,
i don't know how i've gone through without you.
your soft hand gripping mine;
our lips pressed together while our hearts intertwine.
a mood so delicate just for us two,
have i told you lately that i love you ?

get back

2009-02-11T18:01:00.002-06:00

I'm white as snow,
there's no where left for me to go.
My head, numb and my knees, weak;
I don't understand what's wrong with me.
I've had too much this time,
I don't know if I can fix what you've done,
my heart's been smashed, it's over and done.
No, I never loved you one bit,
you were just the only one there that never quit.
You never gave up on me in all that I did,
you were the light of my live and gave me
a
reason
to
live.

Fuck you,
you're gone now.
And so am I.

I forgive you

2009-02-07T17:13:00.003-06:00

You can blame it on your lack of backbone,
I don't care.
Just don't caress my face anymore,
it's something I can't bare.
You always have been a constant reminder,
a reminder of the mistakes I used to make.
You were never there to hold me,
you were always there to take.
Somehow I kept crawling back to you,
I still wanted more of you.
I can't stand the things I said,
and the things I did too.

I still remember the look on your face,
remember, when you told me to stay ?
I ran so fast away from you,
and I ended up so far away.
I can remember what I gave to you,
or more truthfully, the things I "let" you take.
Maybe you were never the reminder,
maybe you were my mistake.

how can you miss me if you've never met me ?

2009-02-03T22:43:00.003-06:00

i tore and tore through your flesh,
it's finally gone now.
where'd your beauty go ?
it's only skin deep, but somehow...
i can feel how you used to look
in some eerie presence and a resounding hook.
your veins pulse over your bloody muscles,
i can't look away it's too good of a struggle.
you cringe and tick and all i can do is stare,
oh how i miss the pain i'll never bear !

without

2009-01-17T19:15:00.002-06:00

the flesh torn from your limbs,
the hair ripped from your scalp;
this is how it's turning out.
a damp rag to wipe the blood from your face,
a dear friend to tie your loose lace;
how did we end up in this place ?
i dont know what to believe,
as i take shards of glass out your sleeve.
what happened here ?

to be only yours

2009-01-07T23:48:00.002-06:00

something curious is happening, i just can't tell what. no, not now, it's not your fault. if i could put my finger on this, all would be solved, if i had one more second to think about it, how would this evolve ? i can't quite place the feeling and what it means, it's just to hard to let go of and not close enough to meet. it's getting closer now, but it's nothing i can see; i can feel the pressure of it somehow, and it's killing me. my heart can't let go of what it is saying, but my fingers cannot grasp what it is. the meaning is bigger than him, her, and yes, me. oh, could someone explain exactly what is going on ? i can't find the words to aid me with this any longer.

lock eyes

2009-01-06T00:17:00.002-06:00

1692 and i don't know what to do
we're locked in on repeat
my heart just skipped a beat
my head it starting to pound
and i can't single in on a certain sound
little phrases with words i can't pronounce
my blood is being drained from me ounce by ounce
my eyelids are slipping down until they shut
listening to this is pouring salt in my cut
i can't think
i can't talk
don't move me around
i'm lost
and i'm done

break

2009-01-04T02:23:00.002-06:00

I'll never confess
what lies beyond is kept secret for the best
the consequences of lying are not as great as truth
a slip of the tongue could change it all for us

short, my mind won't process

I let you go

2008-12-26T13:39:00.004-06:00

The record plays with every ounce of me that just wants to scream, "i hate you," but i can't let go tonight. Due to some strange phenomenon, I'm frozen in time with the space between. You and I were never meant to be. All the times you were standing next to me are gone, are gone.
When you grabbed me from my sleep and whispered secrets i could never keep into my dreams. I can't understand how we've gotten or will end up tomorrow. That's what bothers me. So, dont tell me that all your plans made and my bags are packed. I don't understand.
Don't stare at me thru the gate. Come and get me where I wait. Don't let our glances fade. Away they are going and I can't stop this. Thought of mine is killing my insides. And what we could have been.
So all the times you let me walk away. Are gone into somewhere farther than outer space. It seems that we are never going to be the same. Again, we're gone. It's gone.

the day the earth stood still

2008-12-25T23:52:00.002-06:00

i have no idea what i'm supposed to be thinking right now.
once hot coffee in my hand that now seems to be iced is still.
nothing around me has life, everything is frozen in time.
i am blinking, but i cannot feel it to be sure.
my hands are shaking, but i can't feel them anymore.
i'm walking down the street now, the coffee has been dropped.
it's on the ground behind me, but remains in the cup.
i dont know what is happening right now,
nothing has been this way before.
it's like time has stood still for everyone,
but not for me anymore.

something for me

2008-12-08T00:06:00.002-06:00

you listened to all i could ever say,
you saw every tear i could ever cry,
you held my hand for as long as it could be held,
i don't know what i can do to repay you.
i'm turning into him,
into the monster from my past.
i did what he did and just then i should've died,
why couldn't i beat it ?
it's rotting through my insides.
i'm becoming him,
i'm slowly turning into you.
the monster from my past,
those actions i could not misconstrue.
i left the memory silent and just that,
a figment of my imagination and it's back.
i've turned into who you are,
i knew it.

condensed

2008-12-02T01:36:00.002-06:00

hearts pounding out of chests,
this feeling they can never put to rest.
the long silent pause out of a movie,
a cold sweat seems to move me.
your lies echo into my tears,
screaming and running right into my fears.
over and over you i shout the psalms that once filled your soul,
a dark abyss that is nothing more than a gaping hole.
i refuse to recall all my thoughts,
and now i find what i once told you is now lost.
nothing can be let go without an edit,
it's amazing how much you've been discredited.
the lines on the walls are just cry outs from my past,
a torn letter from you and tattered toy to match.
how i can't explain what i feel,
these thoughts and feelings about you will always be real.

time, time, time; is it really on your side ?

2008-11-30T15:07:00.002-06:00

i'm writing my biography with movie quotes and awkward pauses.
my muscles are weak and my bones are fragile.
the hair on my neck does nothing but stand tall.
my eyes grow wide with the thought of it all.
nails on a chalkboard like the thorns in my sides.
pins and needles, sunburned skin tears.
what morbid thoughts cross my mind,
things that can only be expressed with time.
little pieces of paper fall to the ground like snow.
the young girls cry due to their inside's goodbyes.
what i can never explain is all i tell,
perhaps, the way i see you is how you smell.
the faint touch on my back is how i hear.
oh and i taste you with all of the words you write.
time is an friend in this instance, not a foe.
keep running with me now or you'll fall below.
i'll trample you with all that i do.
teeth grind as tears fall into the sands of time.
all i wanted was just one moment back.
i can't erase that tiny, selfish fact.

blind boys don't lie

2008-11-29T00:37:00.002-06:00

can you please tell me how to feel ?
do you care to show me what is real ?
i dont know if i can even tell anymore.
what have i done to deserve what you have given me ?
am i really my own worst enemy ?
i'm keeping my eyes peeled.

take me home

2008-11-27T20:40:00.003-06:00

night and day,
black and white,
you're a total oposite depending on who.
it's the good and bad,
wrong and right,
i don't know what i can do.
to coax you into my little plan would backfire on me,
because she has got you wrapped around her finger, you see.
the way you speak when you say my name,
i want you to keep me out of your mouth.
to listen to your voice is like listening to Osiris sing,
all you're doing is letting poison out.
Onan's seed in which he spilled is your life story.
everyone's perception of you is flawed,
you're name is going bad in a hurry.
you won't amount to anything more than i had ever hoped,
go back to where you came from, i'm tired of being prodded and poked.
the stinging of your touch on my arm makes me want to scream.
i dont know who you are anymore as funny as that seems.
double sided like all stories go,
there's one big high and the rest are all just lows.

they won't let me turn around

2008-11-25T22:03:00.002-06:00

im running in circles; the air is so thick.
i don't know what to do anymore,
i hope this change doesn't stick.
i cannot get used to this hurt and suffering.
i don't know what do to in this world i'm living in.
everytime i hear something about you,
i cringe and think about the old days.
i can't fathom how you've gotten to be this way.
is there ayone out there that can help you ?
think, think this through.
there's got to be more to this and there's got to be something new.
i dont think that you can deny me anymore,
i'm giving you my all and i don't think i have anymore.
i love you, i love you more than anything;
i'll protect you like my own,
just don't force me to put you out there all alone.

push me into the sea

2008-11-24T22:17:00.002-06:00

liar, liar, you've got something you're hidding,
hidding, that you dont want me to know about.
is it a secret from before we first met ?
is it a secret fantasy you made up in your head ?
why can't you just reveal everything that's on your mind ?
i know you dont think that i have the time
for such games, for such foolishness, but honestly, baby,
all i have ever done was care about you.
the jealousy of your friends,
your stories and their loose ends,
my fraile and twisted mind just can't help to combine your words.
your words, in my thoughts, twist into every little thing you've ever thought.
i dont know what to say to you now,
i have a different opinion of you somehow.
why couldn't you have just come out and said it ?
well, fine; it's over and i've hope you read this.

this obsession

2008-11-20T23:37:00.002-06:00

i could swear that i have seen your face before,
the look in your eyes is just a little more
than normal; you seem like someone i'd want to get to know.
it never occured to me what could happen,
if i let you in for one night and
i never thought for once that i'd get hurt;
i didn't think about it first.
i just wanted to get to know you,
well, i think i know you a little too well.
it was really nice to meet you,
i do have to admit.
i'd like to see you again, i really do,
but i can't take the emotions you put me through.
for god sake, i barely even know you,
just hurry up and we'll get through this fast,
i need a fix and i need to make it last.
scratch everything that i just said,
i love you and dont JUST want to give you head.
ahahahaha.

i wrote the last part because it ryhmed and it ruins the entire thing, but i just can't find it in myself to erase it.

everything you ever told me was a lie

2008-11-20T23:34:00.002-06:00

i love you; i can't live without you.
you're so amazing; you're all i've ever wanted.
if i'm all you've ever wanted, why did you need her so badly ?
don't even question if you were my last because you were,
you were the first one, and i can't ever let that go.
the pain behind my eyes and voice, can you hear me choke ?
i can't even say i love you, because i know you don't love me back.
i'm all over the place with scattered thoughts,
i can't breathe or think.
you're all i'll ever want.

makes no sense; i just needed to get thoughts out.

is it too soon to say perfect ?

2008-11-10T18:39:00.003-06:00

in everyone's opinion, you're not right for me.
but in my opinion, you're quite perfect, you see.
i love the way you talk to me and play with hair,
the way your fingers touch my skin makes all of my friends stare.
i dont know what is is about you that makes me want you so much,
i think about you night a day and imagine your soft touch.
everytime i'm with you, everything in the world is alright,
you could hate me, but the second someone hurts me you're ready to fight.
there's something in your eyes that alway catches me stare,
you told me you love the little things, like the gleam of light in my hair.
it's all i want, you see, all i've ever wanted for me,
someone to love me the way that you do.
keep me in line and love me just like you.
you're perfect,
just perfect.

o.O

2008-11-03T22:31:00.002-06:00

you don't even care about me,
or maybe that's how i want it.
that would probably be the best way to do this.
meaningless and good,
is that really how i want it ?
there are risks, but at this point,
i think i'm willing to take them.
i want this, i want this so bad,
but is this all worth it ?
for one night everything will be impulsive and great,
and for the rest of our lives it will be awkward and terrible ?
i think i still want it.
why am i doing this to myself ?
well, when the time comes,
my last minute judgement will just have to take over...

i want to see you;

2008-10-30T15:58:00.000-05:00

my hands want to feel you.
To grasp at your very hand would be more than unexplainable.
Something i can't imagine perfectly is my lips pressed to yours.
All i know is that, the feeling I get when i am close to you makes me lose all sanity.
I know it sounds just so stupid and unrealistic, but I do.
I know that you will always be apart of me, but I dont know so much about me being a part of you.
That is all i could ever hope for, just to have the same affect on you as you do me.
I can't think of any words to describe you and that feeling i get when we are together, when our lips touch, when fingers are gently slipped between yours, and when our eyes meet with a gaze that can withstand anything.

#2

2008-10-18T01:53:00.001-05:00

yeah she's always second best,
you can put her to the test.
she's always second best,
number two among the rest.
she's always second best,
even though she may be your all.
yes, she's always second best,
second, second best.

settle down now,

2008-10-12T22:45:00.004-05:00

i love being able to run away every night and come back just in time for the next day.

i can go where ever i want to and feel so alive, my body and mind are cleansed and i am just free.

i come back to my little bed in this almost home and then start a new day.

it's so surreal how this could ever happen to me,

i love it and i take advantage of these opportunities...

but do you ?

no cake

2008-10-01T22:56:00.002-05:00

what if i'm not being completely honest with you ?
what if i lied after all we've been through ?
what if you're not really into me ?
what if i'm not the girl you want me to be ?
what if all i said was false ?
what if all my heart does for you is a pulse ?
what if i'm not really in love ?
what would happen to us ?
what would happen to us, if none of this was real ?

i can't think straight, this is all fake.
it has to be, someone please help me.
knock some sense into my brain, i can't see anything.
i've lost all conciousness.
i've lost all hope.
i think i'm losing you too.

i should be happy

2008-09-23T20:47:00.002-05:00

months have passed,
i dont even remember when it started.
all those put to rest,
because of the one moment...
the one you parted.
to break it all,
to end this fit;
a simple hug,
no words.
a shead tear or too,
you must admitt.
it's done,
i knew what was to come of this.
damage, sadness, but renewal.
yes, that's it.

it's done,
it's done,
it won't be for long.
the second another eye is batt,
it's on.

alice/kelsey

2008-09-19T17:52:00.002-05:00

this is how i feel,
and it is exactly how i should feel.
nothing's going right.
you're all wrong.
i want to lose you,
i want to keep you.
im caught between the greater good and the common health.
im sick, i'm twisted inside.
you deserve
everything
im
going
to
give
you.

class

2008-09-15T21:22:00.002-05:00

shaking, shaking,
your hands are falling off.
you can't hold anything down.
where did your mind go ?
you're touching her body now,
please let me go.
tongue tied behind your girlfriend's back,
she knows now.
you sneak,
you make me feel right... now.
please take your lies back.
we're more alike than we thought,
what a shame, i feel bad for the girl.
keep him on a tighter leash girl,
she's got him to keep.

bella, bella; l'amo, la notte.

2008-09-15T20:11:00.004-05:00

the sky is my ocean,
the stars are my sea.
the wind brushing my body,
the moon lights so i can see.
it's life, i'm really living it.
i'm on the edge,
it's cold as ice.
i love the night,
i love this sight.
yes, i'm living my life.
no beau is safe under the darkness of tonight,
no belle, no babe, no one in sight.
there is no one to restrain me from the beauty of life,
no one to hold me down from flying high.
it's perfect,
you're right.
this is me,
i'm living my life.

breathe me~

2008-09-15T18:28:00.002-05:00

oh i, have ammounted to all i want to be,
all i have aspired to be.
all i am and all i want is everything i have to be.
i know it's getting harder to breathe;
oh and i know you dont have the strength to see,
but it will be alright.
and i see that you can't move,
yes, it's meant to be.
breathe me~
you're the only one for me,
i know i can see it now.
it's all meant to be.
yes, i repeated myself;
that's how you make me feel.
i just can't keep track right now.

this is bullshit,
i hate people

we have arrived

2008-09-15T18:23:00.002-05:00

always in the wrong,
you never can let me forget.
you finally got what you wanted,
was it all that you expected ?
did he hurt you like i said ?
rumors are running through my head,
through the halls.
are you happy now,
are you happy for now ?
everything's going to be okay for me.
everything is okay;
you see,
darling, i never set myself up like you did.
if you're so terribly hurt,
there's nothing i can do.
i warned you, i warned you,
and what did you do ?
honey,
you
are
so
dead.

i can feel you move inside of me

2008-09-06T11:13:00.002-05:00

in and out,
in and out,
racing through my lungs.
push and pull,
pull and pull,
muscles contracting that move you.
this will never mean anything more than what it looks like;
not enough eyes will see or brains will comprehend.
no, i do not have some complex look or show flashing through your lenses.
this is just a message engraved in the back of your head.
i saw it, i felt it when i stared into your eyes and your feelings reflected off your retinas.
i know you, i know you,
i know how you feel.
i am you, i am you;
but am i really real ?

oh, so i've decided to start writing a book.
yeah, something raw
something inside of me
i've already written chapters and chapters of another,
but it doesnt reflect me or who i am.
so, new book.

dear friends,

2008-09-02T16:53:00.002-05:00

i don't know if you really will understand what i am writing or even why i am writitng this.
honestly, i do not know why i am writing it either.
maybe it is because everyone takes life for granted or maybe it is because no one ever takes time to think about things anymore.
i will tell you the most important part of my day. i will tell you the thing i did that i probably took for granted when i did.

Today I woke up and breathed.
I spent time with my mother, father, and grandparents.
I rode in a vehicle that my parents own.
I am currently living in a hotel room with air, a roof, a bed, a television, and running water.
I ate lunch at a restraunt and paid for it with cash.
I wore clothes and jewelry that are my own.
I ran my fingers through my newly cut hair.
I took off my glasses to clean them.
I walked around.
I used my cell to see if anyone had called me.
I played with my two dogs.
I read my book.
I wrote little notes to myself.
I am typing this.

Do you think about those things all of the time ? the "little things" ?
How often do you take them for granted ?
I can guaruntee you that your answer to that is, "too much."

this is LAME

2008-08-26T22:22:00.002-05:00

your name,
sends shivers,
up and down my spine.
your smile,
shoots thoughts of nausea,
through and through my mind.
so all i'm trying to tell you is that you really suck.
i hate your stature, your MORALS (ha) and my luck.
you're gross, you make me sick,
get out of my life,
your impression won't unstick.

both of my daniels are off

2008-08-24T01:57:00.002-05:00

as i lean against the wall,
i am biting through the inside of my lip.
bite, bite, pierce the tissue.
im chewing up my lips,
from the inside out.
they swell,
you notice it now.
my lip is destorted,
but i still speak.
i whine,
i lied,
i can't speak.
my lip is gone.
it was butchered until the pieces fell to the floor.
the ground behind me,
like a fairytale trail of lip pieces.
they will live, even if i don't.
they will tell the story,
because they know i wont.

this is more of a song, but it still means so much to me

2008-08-20T16:35:00.003-05:00

no life,
no mind,
no body,
no soul.
you are empty,
seeping into my veins.
you're so cold.
like shards of glass and metal in my bloodstream,
you're cutting me open from the inside out.
why, why can't i scream ?
pain and anger fill inside of me.
i stayed away,
i didn't even go near the light of day
for while, i didn't even sleep.
oh, like a baby,
i cry myself too sleep... finally,
when got some shut eye.
you were still torturing me.
why ?
why can't i ?
why can't i make anything of this ?
i can't think straight,
i can't breathe at all.
your hands smothering me,
you have won it all.
say something to me,
what's worse is not saying anything at all.
you won't ruin me.
i cant let you take all of me.
you're still taking some of me.
it doesnt belong to you !
so, so, so let go of me now.
i cant control anything.
how ?
did you think this was going to end ?
i thought i had a handle on things, yeah.

so be quiet

2008-08-10T00:54:00.002-05:00

under my breath i will whisper,
words you never wanted to hear.
i will like i always do,
so be quiet.
mistaken, you were faking the feelings you once felt.
my vains are itching with grief and wonder,
i can't get over you and your transformation,
we never were what we always said we were.
into my bloodstream, you were injected,
i quit, but you still exist.
i have made up so many stories,
told so many lies,
you were always there.
you are always there.
where are your goodbyes ?
are they here ?
do they linger in your lies ?
i can't hear them now,
mentally blocked out.
where is the happiness ?
it's pain, guilt now.
i never said a thing,
you whispered to me nothing.
when we kissed,
did you close your eyes ?
or were they open,
screaming for some other girl's cries ?
hands clasped, tongue tied,
where is the mystery in that ?
i'm over it,
i've so done with that.

i wish this was true

2008-08-09T17:33:00.002-05:00

you said you gave up on the world,
all because no one loved you.
you're so wrong, yeah, you,
that's completely untrue.
how do i know ?
how do i know that this is real ?
because some how you make me feel...
i feel totally new and uncontrolably alive,
i can't explain, but you're why i survive.
can i be that one for you ?
can't you see,
it's true,
i love you.

drop, step, and mush.

2008-08-04T00:19:00.003-05:00

rub my eyes,
put my mouth to shame.
cut of your ears now,
with your nose, do the same.
cut to spite and spite with cut.
your feet are next,
walk the distance.
the flame to the end,
tap, tap, and sting.
let it go, let them fall.
it's down to the filter now,
what to do ?
should i take another or
just let the burning persue ?
until i inhale nothing more than fire,
burn my insides higher and higher !
this is not a plea or a cry for help,
it's just words i make up myself.

missed call from me to you

2008-08-04T00:12:00.002-05:00

tears all gone and faded away,
only the wet stain on my cheek remains.
broken beads shaped like hearts on my bed,
little boys with girls that have pigtails are the thoughts in my head.
that's what i think of when the only thing i can think of is you,
i imagine we are innocent withoit worries too.
who would've guessed that we would end up like this,
two seperate: rooms, cities, minds and thoughts.
i can't remember when, i mean the last time of course,
when i saw you: smile, wink, or even wave of course.
the sound goes from my throat, into this speaker, and out of your phone;
who would've thought it'd be the machine i'd be talking to.
i'm spilling my heart now,
condensed into one recording,
you will delete it without even listening to the story.

pointless story.

2008-08-04T00:10:00.001-05:00

you have always been there,
right infront of me from the very start.
i never noticed you before,
you never noticed me either.
there you were,
every friday night.
there i was,
standing under the light.
never did i know who you were,
never did you know who i was.
i never saw you,
you never saw me.
until that wednesday,
you looked at my bracelets.
that's when you saw,
and noticed me.

goodbye lorinne

2008-07-27T22:11:00.005-05:00

open your eyes, your body, your mind.
it is what it is.
let your surroundings into your lungs,
into your heart, your soul.
you've got it now,
it's all over.
embrace yourself,
you are beauty,
you are strength,
you are simplicity,
you are hope.
take it all in,
your chance to live is now.

emote, emote, i emote perfection

2008-07-27T00:18:00.000-05:00

My life is a rain storm or I Love You's, but that's all over now.
i've found out that you're the one, but you don't know it. you dont even care.
so i'll keep my lips pursed and hands clasped for now. you were the first, my last, the one i miss before i drown.

fingers wisp through hair like you've won it all

2008-07-26T23:49:00.002-05:00

dead bodies don't drown,
therefore i am.
screams thrown at deaf ears,
the screams you couldn't hear anyway.
silent pain and a traumatised woman lain,
over there across the bed,
blood from the head.
tears fall, more blood is shead.
tambourine taps against one knee,
it's his signature, a kiss to the cheeck.
a kick, a tear all to the body,
you're not here tonight,
i bet now you're sorry.
i'm scared, i want to drown,
just for a moment i'll smile never frown.
i've got it, you're wrong,
not even i am right this time.
a piercing thought,
oh my upper lip how it stings now.
the sweat drips onto the bottom one now,
as if there never was a kiss.
a few shots, a hott girl on a table,
the memories are now repressed.
you cant even remember my face now,
can you stand the sight of your own ?

grimace and grin

2008-07-25T10:43:00.002-05:00

my mouth wide open, i'm out of luck.
a weakened grin and a torn up look.
this sounds like a chapter from a book.
i really should care, but i'm starting not to give a fuck.
please help me, i need a sign.
a limp body that was shaken to the ground.
i misunderstood mommy, that was taken downtown.
everyone stares because she looks fine,
not shaken up, or worried only normal breaths.
a flick of the gentleman's wrist, the paper is finished.
a small court order to claimed her innosence.
the mother, so small and weak charged for deaths,
or so to speak.

you don't have a clue

2008-07-23T22:32:00.003-05:00

turn your back on me,
you know i'm the only one that ever set you free.
tell me that you don't care,
i know you do,
if you didn't,
you wouldn't waste all of your energy.
tell me that you hate me,
i know you really do.
because when it comes down to it,
that's all aside because i know you need me too.

you're so vain

2008-07-23T09:28:00.004-05:00

define love,
define lust,
define hope,
define hate,
define loathe,
define despise.
one million words couldn't explain how you feel more than one of these words could.
assume makes an ass out of you and me.
you scam, mock, and amuse me.
you tease, torture and confuse me.
who are you ?
and how do you feel ?
i'm scared, you're happy.
i'm crying, you're excited.
i'm lonely, you're amused.
i'm hurt, you're hurting me.
you're killing me, killing me with no words at all now.

i'm STILL not your everything, i get it

2008-07-20T23:02:00.003-05:00

i wrote our names inside of a heart,
yours in pencil, mine in pen.
the heart was the same medium as yours.
things i am certain about will always be permenant,
things i am unsure of are erasable then.
i know, i know i lead myself to believe,
ever since that night, i dont know what is real or makebelieve.
can you help ? can you send me a sign ?
i offer, i make the effort to see you,
you shoot me down without a warning.
i drove to see you today, rehearsed our encounter the whole time.
all the while, wondering if you were thinking of me while inside.
you are my disease,
the one that eats me away from the insides to my skin.
you can't help it and sadly, niether can i.
babe, can we pretend that this never happened ?
let's go back to that wednesday, daylight hours of thursday.
you don't even remember.
i need you now, i am fooling myself when i say how.
i am "moving on," i swear.
can't you tell ?
i am dealing with this torture so well.
you don't even know what you do to me,
you just do it all too well.
like you have done this before,
that's right, you have.
your other side told me all about it,
spitting, spitting, carbon copies of eachother.
i can't believe i tripped.
i'm sick,
you make me this way.
i dont want to live to see another day.
there you go, another lie.
i do, i don't even want to die.

the ground falls up to the sky.

2008-07-20T14:28:00.002-05:00

shread my clothing,
rip off my skin,
my heart is bleeding now,
my pain won't end.
i am drenched from head to toe,
blood, my blood is seeping through the floor.
tripping, falling, scraping, bruising.
knees giving way and eyes failing to say what they know.
the situation is rough now,
no one can save you from this misery.
mouth sew shut with wires and thread,
the needle was stabbed in the back of my head.
to use, to use, to kill slowly.
the screams were silenced,
your heart,
broken.

what is love but only a figment of the mind ?

2008-07-19T02:25:00.003-05:00

it will find you, no need to search.

to wait and live, finally to stumble.

a crossed path, a midnight nudge.

you will find love.

a needle in my eye,

and "x" over my heart.

your words, my love was always true.

i cried that night, i died a little too.

it was set there, on that table;

the pieces, the pieces of this godforsaken heart.

the beating of a drum much like a heart before that night,

then smashed to pieces like a hit on a tambourine.

scared, scared to death.

you've got me wrapped around your finger,

not in love, but in hate, not in hate, but fear itself.

you wanted to know so damn bad, well here it is.

2008-07-18T14:30:00.002-05:00

heart racing, speed climbing, hands shaking.
i can't breathe.
silent screams of pain and pleasure,
i don't want to move.
my gag reflex is being put to the ulimate test,
you stand before me.
i am a torn and battered mess,
i can still feel your touch on my body from that caress.
you took it away from me.
no one knows how it feels,
the suffering for these passed 4 years.
i wanted to crawl in a hole and die,
the night you caught my eye.
my insides churned, my mind yearned for something different,
something happier like i once was.
i remember the exact night and what you looked like,
i remember the exact feelings i felt.
i tried to change my past, but made my future worse.
no one can take away my memory,
those feelings and that night's events are burned into my head.
cut, bleed, and over again; you would think that'd be me.
no, i will never be that way.
instead of hurting myself, i fix everyone else.
my mission, my goal, to mend my broken self.
worn and wasted my heart and my body,
i won't stop until we are all one again.

i've decided to not do stupid bs blogs anymore

2008-07-18T00:08:00.003-05:00

i will actually share my thoughts with the stupid internet.
keep in mind that my punctuation probably won't be the best because when i get in a writing mood, those are my thought's and soul. all else goes out the window.

staring at the clock, ten more mintues.
breaths, sighs of relief; you're almost mine.
clamy hands, pebbles of cold sweat on your brow.
enter into my life, the room of white that was once ours.
wine, whine, read, and read.
i cant think with this contaminated head.
thoughts whirl, spiraling everywhere into an abyss.
i cant breathe, it's over now.
put your fists down, my pride is torn.
from ear to ear is sewn, your smile faded
ceased hearing and blind thoughts
eyes failed when you tried to speak
knees went weak when you tried to hear
the words, the words, they were my last.
you're a fake, a liar, now a friend.
a foe, a hero, and enemy.
my love, my sorrow, the pain.
you were my very first.
tied at the wrists, my heart is captive.
my soul bottled up and figure decreped.
the first mistake i made was you,
that was my only mistake too.
the object lay at your feet,
if only i had you close to me.
that will never happen again,
the glance i got was hell and when
you lifted your hand, all was said,
i might as well have been dead.

oh no, not again

2008-06-17T10:17:00.011-05:00

usually i post one blog a month, but this month is not the same ! [:

last night: AMAZING. everything i anticipated it to be and even more. it exceeded my expectations !

i worked until 4:30 and rushed to Ryanne's house. We talked, sat around, and i oggled over her cute sisters ! Then we went to the show. Even though ADTR canceled, it was still very fun. and since a lot of people showed up because they thought they were playing and other such reasons, i got to see a lot of people i haven't seen in a while. i was tons of fun. Then we went to CC's and that was another mini adventure. haha. After, we went back to Ryanne's sat on the compter, made nachos, and drank tea. Finally, we finished off what was probably one of the best nights of my life by far with watching Deja Vu.

---------------------------------------------------------
-Remember when you just came out, when everyone knew what you were all about. You faked your death and that was fun but, girl, I think it's just begun. You take another line and you feel fine this time.-
----------------------------------------------------------

AH ! so, i just found out you have a girlfriend ! what the fuck, man ? thanks for leading me on, stupid. oh well, actually it doesnt bother me, i just felt like cursing and that seamed like a legit way to do it. i'm pretty much over it. haha. oh, the mind of Kelsey, right ?

and and, fo you, the phrase "out of line" could not have been any more appropriate than it was in the situation. what the heck, man ? you were so out of line, but that's okay. that's just really, really not cool, but who needs you, silleh ? [:

----------------------------------------------------------
there's another thing i want to address, but not directly so here:
Cooper and Lacey want to buy and car, but they think it is too expensive. They also realize that there are a lot of loop holes and it's a pretty penny. They buy the car anyway because they think it will be fun to have and in the end worth it, but they can't put it in their name. They drive it around anyway eventhough there are so many things that could go wrong.
This is just my opinion. i'm not forcing it on people, i love a lot of people who have done this or do it. it's just not for me.
-----------------------------------------------------------

anyway, summer is going better than i have lead myself to believe. hah. well, somewhat. i've been getting on stickam, going out, and working a lot. That's a pretty good mix.

okay, so here it is:

haha, it says "READY SET LICK"

and a bite of thought:
"never could a man know what it's like to feel the pain of another man's life."

remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?

2008-06-16T10:28:00.007-05:00

oh no, i've lost you.
we always talked about how that happened to other people and that it would never happen to us. thick as theives, best friends until the end, sisters.
that's all different now, five years, slowly fade and condense into one month, now it's all gone.
that's fine if you moved on; you're not the only one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-oh, what a shame we all became such fragile, broken things. a memory remains just a tiny spark. i gave it all my oxygen so let the flames begin, let the flames begin. -
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm actually really happy with my life right now, a bit stressed, but over all satisfied. [:

i have made a ton of amazing friends that i wouldn't trade for the world. i am so happy that we've met and we seem like we can make this last.

and i've settled my fears and got my opinions out with my best friend so it seems like we are both on the same page. it'd hurt me a little to see him with someone else, but he's not mine. and i'm going to be with other people and i can't expect him to not do anything if i am going to. i just dont want to see him get hurt. that is my big thing. girls are pretty.. rough on guys these days. i just want everything to be good for both of us. i'm just happy we got closer.
i just lav yew, best friend. [:

the newest additions are quite a few. like her, i am at her house right now. what a sweetheart. i can tell her any and everything and we have only known eachother for a short bit. i have never really opened up to anyone that fast before, but i just knew something was there. she and i have both have the same views and for the most the same friends.

you, we've gotten closer. so i think; you are one of my best friends by far. you come over all the time at all hours of the night. and you're a sweetheart. i'm starting to open up to you more and the night you and him were over opened my eyes to how sweet you really were.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so stickam. i got one and i love it ~! haha. i get to see everyone all of the time and all of the stupid shit they do behind closed doors.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is the longest blog i've posted on here yet.
peace and love, niggas.

and as always i leave you with a piece of my mind:

and just this once, a quote:
"fear is in the heart of men who love; love is in the heart of all who fear."

errbody,

2008-05-28T23:00:00.002-05:00

chill the fuck.

STOP DRAMA; it's summer and its fucking LIFE.

life is too short to be a bitch all of your life.

as for guys, "hai !"

and as always: